This is too painful. Everytime i woke up i feel this messy and complicated feeling. Sort of a feeling that "Oh man. I have to get back into harsh reality. Troubles and worries, they come rushing onto me again"

I look normal. But inside, it felt so uneasy. Every single seconds i breath, i think about all those troubles i am about to get in. It is painful


I envy of other person whom in his life, all he do is idolizing their father, and aiming to be as good as their father. I dont mean no insult, but without i realized, all i do since i was a kid, was trying so hard not be anything like him. I am desperately trying to control my anger and stress management whenever things are fucked up. I restrain myself from using violence or stupid act to release my anger of anyone. I always try to learn from others so that i wont be living in my own world. I know right now, i am not yet any better than anyone, but i always try. Though it sucks to be judged on every action i do, I have to understand. That is life. People never stop judging, and you can never let your head down.

Failure: lesson or a u-turn signboard?

sometimes whenever i fail at something, i always hope it's a lesson. But most of the time, when the effort has been made, errors have been fixed, but i still fail, i just like to assumed that i was not born to do that stuff. Failing in relationship is one thing, but failing in study is a whole big matter. Fail in study doesnt really mean getting a D or F in exam results, but it fails in a way that the results doesnt go pretty much like your expectation. You probably put loads of efforts in one subject, and before going to the exam hall you expect you're ready to answer them all correctly. But suddenly it goes upside down. You dont know how answer it, your brain suddenly trolled you up by stop working and all the formulae in your head got mixed up with each other, and you answer them like a fucking stone trying to dance ballet.

I feel that way everytime i went to exam hall and find out my grades look like jokes, no matter how hard i study. Sometimes, i think that i'm not putting enough effort. But most of the time, i feel like this engineering field isnt what i was born to be in.

I hope i am wrong.



I think everyone in this world is selfish, including me. We need to be selfish sometimes, to keep our ass safe in this world, surviving is what we call it. But, being selfish when involving other people's feeling does not count.

Why, in any relationship, whenever someone leave you for someone else you'll feel that your ex is aweful. The one who snatch your ex away is aweful too. You think you're a victim. You want your ex to realize her mistake and come back to you. You put all blame to her.

I took enough time to realize. Thats not how life works. When something or someone leave you, it doesnt mean that the one who suffer the most is right, and the one dumped you is entirely wrong. things happen when there is a cause. Tree fall because someone chopped its stem. When she leaves you for someone else, thats because she think that the other one is better than you. It may be cruel. But people choose what's best. The one who deserve to stay with you is the one who think you're the best for them.

Cant we just, for a moment think of any reason why things happen? When things dont work out, its because you never worked it out. Say, you did your best to keep a relationship alive,give her roses, give a attentions and all those, but if she eventually leave you for a deutchbag, it isnt anyone's fault. Things happen because it needs to.

And if she really leave you for a decent man? Its not anyone's fault either. She crossed her life path with yours, and now she met other path, which is fine. It's her life. And you with yours. You might did wrong things to her, and so did she. You love her, but she loves other person. Its fine. It may be hut. But like say, things happen, because they need to. If being with someone better makes her feel better, that means she did what's right.

Just stop being selfish.


Maybe some would wonder. Why, after i said so much about Nana. About our memories, promises, and i vowed to wait to be reunited with her for years, finally i end up in a relationship with someone else. Well, its easy to judge and call me a prick who talk love but betray it, only if u are standing in distance. We were good 2 or 3 years ago. But since that we've been apart, there's nothing left of us.

Nana has been busy with her own life, and me with my own. She didnt even had the urge to dial my number once in a while, to check how I'm doing. I  did, however, text and call, ask how's she doing. But i feel like i am the only one rushing and holding on the promise, while she hasnt me in her view anymore. Its too foolish to say that Im going to be loyal and wait to her like a stone.

I had a dream about two months ago. I saw her coming to my college. She hold a box of chocolates. She said, "I gave u this chocolates. But you cant eat it because its not mine. I had to return to the real owner. Keep it first. When I'm to return home, please give it back to me okay?"

I woke up and try to interpret what she said. I truly understand the meaning. It says that meeting her in short brief time probably the sweetest moment i could ever have in my life, but unfortunately, she is not mine. I can keep the memories with her, but i have to accept the fact that when the time come, i have to let her go. She's not attached to me, neither by destiny or promises. She's already moved on with her life, meeting new people. She must have forgot about me. So should I.

Of course its just a dream. Dream can sometimes be stupid, but sometimes, its a message that your brain try to tell you probably it cant do it when you're awake because u're enveloped with feelings. Feelings that blind your brain and make u the dumbest creature on earth.

Later, i knew a girl. Sweet, cute, smart little girl. I like her in many ways. Anis. Her voice, her speech, her way of treating me. And she likes me. We got along well and now we are in a relationship. I probably have broken my own promise to make Nana as a bride, but i realized that was too fancy and foolish. I found Anis and I think that she's a perfect match for me and my future. Lets hope this time my relationship last forever.

Nana? She is a beautiful, beautiful memory now.


Si pungguk

Pungguk yang setia, pungguk yang menanti,
Bulan yang terang, sentiasa memberi harapan,
Pungguk yang setia menanti bulan jatuh ke riba.
Bulan tidak memberi jawapan.

Bodoh bukan pungguk itu?
Kalau sudah tahu bulan itu jauh dan tinggi,
Apa lagi yang mahu ditunggu?
Bulan langsung tak memberi jawapan yang pasti,
Tapi kau masih bodoh, masih setia menanti.

Pungguk yang bodoh,
Bulan yang hilang bersama yang lain,
Pungguk bodoh yang setia menanti bagaikan tunggul,
Bulan yang ditunggu hanya menjadi saksi kebodohan si pungguk.
Si pungguk yang setia,
Si pungguk yang bodoh.
Si pungguk yang menunggu bertahun lama,
Menunggi bulan yang jatuh keriba.
Bulan yang hilang bersama awan malam.
Si bulan pergi bersama yang lain.

Si pungguk yang bodoh.
Si bodoh yang memberi harapan pada diri sendiri.
Dan kecewa seorang diri,
Sementara si bulan masih tak mengerti,
Apa makna kamu disini,
Bodoh sungguh kau wahai si pungguk.
Bodoh sungguh.

Forget about the letter

Maybe you never understand,
What its like to be a man,
who waits for someone who never came,
Who stands in the dark waiting for the dawn.
He wash his face off the dust of hope.
Embrace pain only to make you feel the same

I wish you could remember,
The pieces of memories I tried to assemble,
Its like throwing pebble in the water, you see the ripples.
You wonder how does it begin,
Be he sank too deep to be seen.

Forget about the letter,
Pretend ive never sent you one,
Someone else could write you better.
Forget about the songs,
The words never made sense at all,
And you never mind it.
Just forget about my promise.
You never really understand afterall,
You never bother, no you never did.
So please forget about the letter.

If memories are like a paper,
I'll have them burnt, turn it to dust,
Let them fade away, let them scatter,
Let this heart shattered, like a piece of glass.

I wish you could remember,
Every pieces of  picture of your puzzle,
Its like throwing pebble in the water, you see the ripples.
Thats the kind of situation I am in,
Maybe I've sank too deep to be seen.
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